So, this is what they meant when they said grad school will run my life. Having listened to various friends over the past year or two who were in the midst of their studies, I had a vague concept of what I was getting myself into. Some exact quotes from those friends could be mistaken for a prisoner trying to get early parole on good behavior:
"Dude, I can't take it anymore."
"It never ends; no matter what i do, it never ends."
"Life? What life? All i do is read."
"This is stupid."
I tried to take their words to heart, but most of it was lost in the collective pool of self-pity (no offense, to any of you whom I am referencing; but it was pitiful). I resolved that I would not subject others to melodramatic tales through a misconstrued sense of neurosis. Alas, here I am: felled by my own sword of judgmental thoughts.
Grad school truly does run your life. If you come across a day when you don't have anything to do, you're a fool. There is always something to do. When you force yourself to take a two hour break (or write a blog post...) in the middle of the day because you can't stomach another ounce of superfluous academic jargon, you are overcome by feelings of guilt that keep you from experiencing any meaningful sleep.
And to think that I actually paid money to have this "opportunity"! Crazy, crazy fool, Castle.
I say all of this, but I hope you all know that, although I complain, I absolutely love it. I love the feeling of purpose and responsibility that accompanies the onset of each day; I love the endless challenge of finding a better source or mode of argument than the previous half-dozen; I love the perpetual attempts at placing the specific within the context of the whole. It's fun. I want to compare it to a puzzle, but it is not. Maybe a word jumble. A jumble that gives you 85 random letters and asks you to build the best possible sentence from those letters. Your first attempt utilizes 68 of those letters, and although you may be proud, you can't stand to see the other 17 go to waste; you know there is a better possibility out there. So you scrap what you have and start at the beginning- not because you must, but because it's a challenge you know you can win, or at least perform at a higher level of success, with the right amount of time and proper perspective.
i think this best states how I feel about my program. Yes, it is constant. Yes, it never ends. Yes, it is challenging. But it is these things because I choose it to be- i want it to be. The biggest obstacle I face is not the intensity of my program. It is trying to be content with the best effort I can possibly muster within the allotted time.
Frick.
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very nice. Glad to hear that it is challenging - that'd almost be a waste of your money if it WASN'T killing you, but also opening up new ways for you to push yourself and your lines of thinking.
ReplyDeleteTeaching must be similar in a way, but probably not as conducive to self-reflection as the academic life, it's a lot more busy work. I'm glad that you're also keeping this blog and chronicling your thoughts/perspectives. Many people advised me to keep a journal from my times teaching, and I really haven't done that. It's often hard to look back on the past and immerse yourself in your own prior point-of-view. Like, "What was I thinking back then?" but in a good way....
I at least have the privilege of another self (Nicole) that can somewhat remind me of my prior selves. You have this blog. Keep it up.
I agree, keeping a journal is a good thing to do. Our minds usually only grasp what's really important, so we naturally forget so much stuff. Fortunately journals can help us to remember the smaller, but not necessarily less important events of the past. Keep up the good work Castle.
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